A deep-talk about emptiness… by myself.

OK so… last night I just suffered something called emptiness. Actually it’s not the first time I suffered that, the first strike was like… in 2010 (IIRC). I feel so sad, but not sad. I feel so empty, but not empty. I feel so lonely, but not lonely. I feel like having a problem but I don’t even know what’s the problem. But guys, can we just stop the talking about the prologue and hurry up to the content? OK!


Emptiness comes from the word “empty”. Yes, everyone knows that. But during this year, it’s like the first– no, it’s the second or third maybe. And the main reason I had that last night maybe… first. I’m lacking desire. Second, I’m lacking fun. Third, I’m lacking companion. Let’s take a step back. I was playing arenas until 7 PM and you know that current content of PvP including arenas are so bad. I don’t even have spirit to push for 2,2k, for the first time in my eon. I don’t even having fun playing arenas, because of too much instant CCs, interrupts, bursts… Blizzard has done and led this aspect of the game to the destruction. And the last one, I’m lacking companion. Yes, until 11 PM I have been wandering for nothing. I logged in to WoW, but then logged out. I logged in to Battle-Net, played a game of Legion TD, then logged out. Then I took myself to the bed, thinking about everything…


After minutes thinking, I began to realize that I missed something since afternoon, 3 PM. Well, I was chatting with somebody since– Saturday maybe and we haven’t finished our chat yet until now. I know I met her last Friday, but this… I feel like there’s something different. I have never chatted with somebody this far– especially with somebody who just knew me then do like this. Then I began to think, is this someone I have been waiting for since I was born? But… my religion doesn’t allow me to do– something called a ‘in relationship’– and that thing was one of the emptiness’ allies. They fought against me to broke my will.


At that moment, I always… remembered of my Chemistry teacher who died in 2010. I remember what she once said. “Your mate, it’s God’s job. Your job now, is to study well.” Maybe, if I study well, I will have one? But, no… studying well is not so me… my lifestyle is all about study, play, sport, etc… I have cyberlife also, friends who have played with me since long ago, like 2007 or so, they’re very loyal despite my weaknesses. But, that’s a main reason why online gamers are above offline gamers. Online gamers have worldwide friends while offline gamers don’t.


I kept thinking and thinking until the clock hit 11.30 PM… I wanted to find the true reason and the true enemy. I felt the presence of emptiness but I couldn’t get rid of it. Amidst the depression, I tweeted, “@Ajiballinst: Oh God, if I break free from this chains, will You still allow me to enter Your heaven?” and I didn’t realize I mentioned myself. I think that was the climax condition of the emptiness. And… I fell asleep not long after. I had a series of dreams but sadly I don’t know how to translate it. I woke up in the morning and felt better. I didn’t feel emptiness as much as last night but… I’m afraid that thing has taken over my body. But back now… I believe. I shouldn’t be too attached to my friends– and maybe the one who I like– or love most.


But… Dear God, I’m really hoping for that day to come. The day I will meet my true ‘lover’.

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