Chasing the light but ending up haunted by it

January 11st, 2013. I believe it was the first day we met… or maybe we met earlier but I didn’t recognize? Whatever. It was the “regeneration” time for my army, 2012, in Archery Unit. It was the day when you were talking in front of me for the first time, I guess– leading your friends with devastating questions of consequences. I didn’t always remember your face back then, but slowly as the time flew, I began to admire you when I was finally inducted as a member of the unit.

Days after days, months after months, I hadn’t realized it, just like cancer– it grows steadily with rapid acceleration but you don’t feel it– I began to have a feeling for her. Until now, I don’t have the exact answer why I have that feeling. There are so many girls out there, but why should be her who came into my mind? It was like one or two months ago when I realized I have a feeling for her. I was drown in doubt, courage, hesitation, and love. I describe her as light, because it is something I probably will never reach.

But even I know I can’t reach it, sometimes I hear a voice inside me telling this, “You can reach that.” The feeling of doubt and courage fight against each other inside my very soul, everyday. When I was running 6×400 meters for my sport subject and I began to feel tired and my breath began to act rude, I thought of her. I imagined she was running beside me and thus– supporting me. Therefore, I couldn’t afford to give up that time. I didn’t want to walk. I should run or at least, jogging. I got 13 minutes– another improvement from last time’s run, 13.32. I dreamed about her like two days in a row. The next day, I woke up in the dawn for no reason. Then I decided to take a midnight pray. I prayed to God, I asked for guidance. I haven’t feel something bigger than this before. Probably it is my chance– finally to get a girlfriend… or not.

They say a picture worth more than thousand words, but I’ll say a memory worth more than billion pictures.

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